Let's Just Be Friends...

This is a hypothetical, yet realistic, texting conversation I have had more than once with guys I have liked over the past 18 months. 

The situations may be somewhat different but from the conversation below you will see that ultimately they all end up with the same result..."Let's just be friends."

I will call the other person Bob. 

I would like to know if you have experienced a similar experience with dating.  If you have a reason why you think I end up having this same type of conversation with guys, let me know too.  Is it something about me?

I believe the top four things, in addition to have a similar spiritual foundation, for a long-lasting healthy relationship are:
1. Communication
2. Commitment
3. Trust
4. Forgiveness

Do you agree with me?

Conversations go something like this after we've hung out for a few weeks...

Bob: Your wisdom is far past the years you are.  I really am happy you are in my life and can share your knowledge with me.

Me: You are sweet!  I am just me.  I think you are an amazing guy.  They say patience is a virtue, right?  Well, if there is to be something more beyond friends at some point with us, I would be ecstatic.  I will also be content and happy being your friend.  I just need to know where you stand. 

I feel like I have a lot to offer someone in a relationship, whenever that happens. I am a loyal, caring, trusting person.  I am glad you are in my life too. 

You are more intelligent than you may realize. 

My friends really like you too. 

I am looking for a partner who will challenge me to intellectually, spiritually, and physically.  I want to do a lot of good in this world while I am here whether it is on a small scale or a large.  I also want to be able to challenge my partner. I want us to both work together to continue to reach our best and support each other.

Bob: I understand where you are at. 

This is what I know. I'm at a point in my life where I am looking for the right person for life not the right person for now.  You are the right person for me now, but not life. 

Your personality is amazing!  You are a great friend!  I just don't see us as a couple for the long term...  I need more good friends in my life.  I hope that's what we can be for one another...

Me: Fair enough. I was going to say that I feel like when you first said, "Your wisdom is far past the years you are. I really am happy you are in my life and can share your knowledge with me," is something you would say to someone right before you break up with them.

I understand where you are at in life. 

You keep avoiding saying you find me attractive, even though you obviously were at the beginning when we first met, so I am guessing that that is the factor that you don't see us being together for the long term. 

I have some great friends in my life that have been more like family.  I want to be friends if that is what you want. 

You have to understand that a friendship is still like any relationship...  I can't just give support and give support or whatever to you and receive nothing in return.  That isn't a good friendship or a healthy one that will last. 

I think your friendships are a reflection of what type of person you will be in a relationship.  Basically what I am saying is you have to participate in our friendship and initiate hanging out and stuff.  If I am the only one checking in to see how you are and if you want to hang out, our friendship will fizzle quicker than you realize.  I don't want to be used as a friend just like I don't want to be used in a romantic relationship.

Bob: James, I don't have many friends in this city...

I understand.  I need to be a better friend. You are right!  I thank you for being there for me.  I'll do better.

Me: I am sorry you don't have many friends here.  I would love to be friends. 

You have to realize I am vulnerable with my friends, especially my closest friends.  We have a no judgement policy that just is there.  It's nothing we talked about and established.  It is just there. 

They tell me straight up when I am doing something stupid and tell me when I did something great.  It is rare to find friends who can consistently be that loyal for an extended length of time. 

We are all selfish as humans, however.  At the end of the day we care about ourselves.  We couldn't care less about what happens in someone elses life than our own. We have to step outside of our comfort zone to be a consistent and non judgemental friend that no matter what happens we will be there for each other. 

Sometimes that means we will disagree and maybe hurt each other, but that is where forgiveness comes into effect...just like a romantic relationship.

I want you to be a better friend and I know you are capable of being one.

Bob: I am capable of being a better friend. I understand.  That's what I need. You're a great guy and I know who you're looking for...  I'm not him... 

Me: I love stimulating conversation as you have probably noticed.

Bob: Yes, you do. I know that (wink).

Me: I will be the first to admit I am not perfect.  I don't have everything figured out.  I am learning about life just like everyone else.

Bob: Of course, I am too.

Me: But like you noticed, I believe I have been blessed with an ability to have wisdom that I don't understand why I have, other than I feel like I am being prepared for something that I can't even envision at this time.

Bob: Exactly!

Me: You deserve someone great though and I believe you will find that person.  You will not be alone whether it means you are single for a while and have fun with good friends or you meet someone soon.

Bob: Thanks man!  You ARE a GREAT guy!

End of conversation...