My Personality Type - ISFJ

Over the past eighteen months I have become more and more interested in peoples personality types and how they are compatible with me.

You can visit several website to take tests to figure out which type you are:
www.keirsey.com
www.humanmetrics.com
www.personalitypathways.com

Basically there are 16 types of people in this world or 16 different types of personalities.  Those 16 types fit into 4 groups, Artisan, Guardian, Rational, Idealist. 

I have become curious if there is research available for the gay community on what personality types they are more compatible with or if it is the same compatibility for everyone in general.

I am an ISFJ (Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging). That fit under the Guardian umbrella.  ISFJ is known as Protector.

Below is a description of who I am and how my love and relationships will be like.  It is pretty spot on with it's description.  Supposedly I should be most compatible with about for personalities (ISFJ/ESFJ or ISTP/ESTP) however some researchers have different opinions on compatibility so I could possibly be compatible with (ISTJ, ENFJ and ESTJ).

Great, so instead of 4 possibly personality types I have seven to choose from.  Seems kind of complicated.  I don't have the time or will power to go on dates with someone who is each one of those personalities.  I can say recently I met three guys that I probably would have had a great connection with for the long-term and they were all ESFJ.  I tend to be about 49% extrovert and 51% introvert.  The guy I dated for about 3 weeks was amazing.  I felt like we understood each other better than anyone else I had ever dated, but then it ended.  I ended it.

There seemed to be a sudden lack of interest in me.  Was it because of my looks or my personality or something completely different.  Who really knows, right?  Anyway, I'm moving on, but with that I am still interested in the next person's personality who I talk to.

I would love to hear from my friends on what their personality types are and see why maybe we get along the way we do.  I would love to hear what personality types my friends that are currently dating are, for my own research to see if it proves true that you are dating someone that you are supposedly suppose to be compatible with.


Love and Relationships

In love, you seek a life partner who will accept and appreciate your gift for nurturing. As you search for this special person, dates and mates alike will receive the benefit of your attention to the nuances of day-to-day living.

Making delicious meals, planning special occasions, and giving great back rubs may be just a few of your wonderful talents. At times you take such wonderful care of your dates and mates that you may forget to take care of yourself. You look for a mate with whom to make a safe and comfortable home. For a romantic partner, you may look for people who are somewhat different than you. As a result, types who are self-possessed and less sensitive than you are can be very attractive to you. Chances are you admire the way this kind of person is able to make their way through life without worrying about what others think. During the early stages of relationships, these differences are likely to be especially endearing and fun.

About James Jaeger

You may have felt dating was not an arena you were successful in since it seems to require less reserve and more pizazz. You may also have been very nervous, worrying what the other person would think of you. When dating you might have been more likely to spend time evaluating your date's potential in a long-term relationship than you were to simply enjoy the event.

One difficulty you may have had in a relationship is in getting the same kind of loyalty from your mate that you give. You will give and give to your partner. When taking care of your loved ones, almost no sacrifice is too much. If your partner does not regularly express appreciation, you are likely to complain about how much work you have to do and how no one helps.

In the same way, one aspect about you that may cause your partner problems is that they may have no clue about how you are feeling and what is really important to you. You run from conflict. You need to remember that your mate is not a mind reader. What seems obvious to you isn't to them. It is important that you learn to clearly verbalize what you want before you start complaining or become resentful.

You are generally a very loyal mate. You do so much for your partner and other family members that they may sometimes take your support of them for granted. You are unlikely to forget anniversaries and birthdays and will also remember many lesser events. Consistency in marking milestones is one of your hallmarks.

Let's Just Be Friends...

This is a hypothetical, yet realistic, texting conversation I have had more than once with guys I have liked over the past 18 months. 

The situations may be somewhat different but from the conversation below you will see that ultimately they all end up with the same result..."Let's just be friends."

I will call the other person Bob. 

I would like to know if you have experienced a similar experience with dating.  If you have a reason why you think I end up having this same type of conversation with guys, let me know too.  Is it something about me?

I believe the top four things, in addition to have a similar spiritual foundation, for a long-lasting healthy relationship are:
1. Communication
2. Commitment
3. Trust
4. Forgiveness

Do you agree with me?

Conversations go something like this after we've hung out for a few weeks...

Bob: Your wisdom is far past the years you are.  I really am happy you are in my life and can share your knowledge with me.

Me: You are sweet!  I am just me.  I think you are an amazing guy.  They say patience is a virtue, right?  Well, if there is to be something more beyond friends at some point with us, I would be ecstatic.  I will also be content and happy being your friend.  I just need to know where you stand. 

I feel like I have a lot to offer someone in a relationship, whenever that happens. I am a loyal, caring, trusting person.  I am glad you are in my life too. 

You are more intelligent than you may realize. 

My friends really like you too. 

I am looking for a partner who will challenge me to intellectually, spiritually, and physically.  I want to do a lot of good in this world while I am here whether it is on a small scale or a large.  I also want to be able to challenge my partner. I want us to both work together to continue to reach our best and support each other.

Bob: I understand where you are at. 

This is what I know. I'm at a point in my life where I am looking for the right person for life not the right person for now.  You are the right person for me now, but not life. 

Your personality is amazing!  You are a great friend!  I just don't see us as a couple for the long term...  I need more good friends in my life.  I hope that's what we can be for one another...

Me: Fair enough. I was going to say that I feel like when you first said, "Your wisdom is far past the years you are. I really am happy you are in my life and can share your knowledge with me," is something you would say to someone right before you break up with them.

I understand where you are at in life. 

You keep avoiding saying you find me attractive, even though you obviously were at the beginning when we first met, so I am guessing that that is the factor that you don't see us being together for the long term. 

I have some great friends in my life that have been more like family.  I want to be friends if that is what you want. 

You have to understand that a friendship is still like any relationship...  I can't just give support and give support or whatever to you and receive nothing in return.  That isn't a good friendship or a healthy one that will last. 

I think your friendships are a reflection of what type of person you will be in a relationship.  Basically what I am saying is you have to participate in our friendship and initiate hanging out and stuff.  If I am the only one checking in to see how you are and if you want to hang out, our friendship will fizzle quicker than you realize.  I don't want to be used as a friend just like I don't want to be used in a romantic relationship.

Bob: James, I don't have many friends in this city...

I understand.  I need to be a better friend. You are right!  I thank you for being there for me.  I'll do better.

Me: I am sorry you don't have many friends here.  I would love to be friends. 

You have to realize I am vulnerable with my friends, especially my closest friends.  We have a no judgement policy that just is there.  It's nothing we talked about and established.  It is just there. 

They tell me straight up when I am doing something stupid and tell me when I did something great.  It is rare to find friends who can consistently be that loyal for an extended length of time. 

We are all selfish as humans, however.  At the end of the day we care about ourselves.  We couldn't care less about what happens in someone elses life than our own. We have to step outside of our comfort zone to be a consistent and non judgemental friend that no matter what happens we will be there for each other. 

Sometimes that means we will disagree and maybe hurt each other, but that is where forgiveness comes into effect...just like a romantic relationship.

I want you to be a better friend and I know you are capable of being one.

Bob: I am capable of being a better friend. I understand.  That's what I need. You're a great guy and I know who you're looking for...  I'm not him... 

Me: I love stimulating conversation as you have probably noticed.

Bob: Yes, you do. I know that (wink).

Me: I will be the first to admit I am not perfect.  I don't have everything figured out.  I am learning about life just like everyone else.

Bob: Of course, I am too.

Me: But like you noticed, I believe I have been blessed with an ability to have wisdom that I don't understand why I have, other than I feel like I am being prepared for something that I can't even envision at this time.

Bob: Exactly!

Me: You deserve someone great though and I believe you will find that person.  You will not be alone whether it means you are single for a while and have fun with good friends or you meet someone soon.

Bob: Thanks man!  You ARE a GREAT guy!

End of conversation...

Commitment in the Gay Community

Last night, a couple of my friends were discussing our lives and the topic of gays being committed in relationships came up.

I am curious what you think...

Sure, there are various couples that we know that are gay that have been together for many years, but have they always been faithful to each other?  Obviously straight couples deal with commitment too, so maybe this is beyond just the gay community.  Or is it?

We talked about how cellphones, websites, and applications that allow us to stay connected with people 24/7 have caused issues of trust and commitment more than ever before.

Who has checked their partners phone to see if they have any text messages from someone who you don't trust?  Who has logged into a website or app to see if your partner is online?  Technology has a lot of positives but has it caused negatives when it comes to finding and maintaining a healthy long lasting relationship?

In the gay community we have Grindr, for instance, that is an application where you can meet other gay men near you.  There is a stigma with gay websites and apps that they are just for hooking up.  More often than not, I would agree that that is the case.  However, I have met some people online that have turned out to be great friends.  There are men that are looking for more than just sex.

I have met men that seem so confident up front with what they really want, but within a matter of days or weeks or maybe even months, you realize that what they initially said doesn't line up with the reality of the situation you are experiencing with them.

Friends.  This brings me back to the topic of commitment though.  Lots of gays end up just being friends or hating each other after they break up, right?  The gay community is small in Kansas City, but even smaller in Manhattan, Kansas or Wichita, Kansas and non-existent in my hometown of Leoti, Kansas even though I know there are gay men and women that live there.

I have tried setting up gay friends with each other or I've even been setup.  Maybe there are sparks for a bit, but then they or we decide just to be friends.  Why does that happen and happen so often?

How is a gay person suppose to meet a partner that will not only be compatible with but will also have the commitment to be together through the good and the bad?  What are our current options?  Bars, websites, apps, friends of a friend, churches that are welcoming and accepting, and hobbies like softball or choir.  Are these any different than the options for a straight person?  Not really.  So why is it so hard to find gay couples who are committed to each other and those that are committed, what are your secrets to making your relationship work?